2012 - สวัสดีปีใหม่ค่ะ

"Compare
Where you are to where you wanna be
And you'll get
Nowhere"

Just a good song to start the new year! Everything is uncharted, and the possibilities are endless!

"I'm listening to E, SH, SM, M, and J chat as I watch a star flicker red, blue, and green. It flickers with desperation--as if an old man knowing his time is almost up and is anxious to say his goodbyes. I'm almost afraid that it's an airplane, but it's not moving. What a silly concern. It's the brightest in the sky. I love this atmosphere. I have the sound of the ocean, rolling over the rocks to my right; soft conversations coming from around me, and soft English music coming from over head. They played Daughtry earlier--it's absolutely lovely. So lovely it almost makes me want to cry."

Happy New Year!

My 2012 ended and began with these lovely ladies in Bang Bao, Koh Chang, Trat, Thailand. The previous bit is taken from an entry I wrote in my diary as I was with these wonderful people the first night of 2012.

Koh Chang was just what I needed to end the turbulent, almost-miserable end-of-the-year and to begin all over again with friends I could connect with, where I felt safe, happy, and like myself. It's been a long time since I've felt that way, and it was refreshing. So many thanks to those girls who have turned my year around to start on a great note!

We went to the national park to hike a bit and swim at the waterfall. It was lovely, and there were many people there. We stayed much longer than intended, but it was worth it just to be around people to talk and spend time with them. It was a sunny day, and the water almost burnt my warm skin when I jumped in. A couple of laps back and forth, and I became one with the water.

I haven't been to the beach since I was 5, when the waves pulled my new shovel and bucket out into the ocean. I ran after it, and my dad--clever man--pulled me back and convinced me that I was doing a good thing by letting it go because now the Little Mermaid will have something new to play with. "You can't be selfish, baobei," he lead me back to the car, the bottom of his jeans soaked with salt water. "Think about how happy you've made the Little Mermaid."

This time, I didn't have a new bucket or shovel to offer the Little Mermaid, but I hope she knows that I'm still thinking about that bucket and shovel and hoping she's putting it to good use, whatever use that may be.

The water was clear, even about a kilometer out past the shore. SH and I searched for shells, clams, and sand dollars for several hours. I felt like an explorer, searching through the sand for answers or some definitive treasure, but took back nothing but soggy hopes and more questions.

I'm not one to make new years resolutions, because I've always been such a failure at keeping them, but this is the most important time for me to make one and to keep it. It's the hardest thing I'll ever do: never give up. Especially now. Regardless of how miserable I am at this school; no matter if I feel like I haven't done a thing to help these kids; even if these kids are so bad that it makes me want to break down and cry, I won't give up. Because I can't let my kids down, I can't let my family and friends down, and I can't let myself down.

And I'll always let myself cry as long as I can smile directly after.


So many happy new year wishes, and here's to hoping I'll grow up and mature, become less naive, less selfish, and dedicate my time and energy to my students rather than myself and my emo muse.

As for the writing aspect in my life: it's only just begun!