My biggest concern regarding being with my family for a month was that I had changed too much in Thailand and they wouldn't recognize or like me anymore--and then the whole month would be unbearable. I can't exactly explain why I felt this way, but perhaps it had a lot to do with how I handle situations in real life, and how I actually react when talking to my family and friends.
For example, I taught M3 (9th grade) and they were graduating from lower Mattayom to be in the higher Mattayom class. I was not informed by the school of their graduation ceremony until a student on facebook asked me if I was going to be there to watch her give a speech. I would like to think I handled it maturely when I entered the English department and asked them whether or not it was true, what time was the ceremony, and what should I wear? They gave me the answers I needed, and I stopped visiting the English department the rest of the week except to fill up my water bottle. I also happened to find out that day that my M6 class graduated the day before, without anyone having told me anything about it. To which I mentally gave them all the middle finger.)
However, as I relayed this story to my family who so innocently asked "How are you doing at the school? Are things getting better?", my anger got to the point where I burst out in tears and asked them whether or not I was wasting my time at a school who really doesn't see me as a teacher because they didn't have the decency to tell me that my own students were having a graduation ceremony. (My tears were angry tears, by the way, so naturally, I sounded hysterical and crazy over Skype.) And this then led to many other complaints which I have been harboring since our last conversation about two weeks ago.
Regardless, I was aware of the fact that whenever I talked about the school or about Thailand, I was bitter, angry, frustrated, and not at all pleasant to talk with. I was afraid that it had become a strengthening characteristic of mine to be bitter, angry, frustrated, and unpleasant, and that this change would, naturally, affect the way that I am around my family. I do see that as a characteristic, in all honesty, the past week I've been with them, with dark moods, anger management issues regarding a Toshiba order and an incompetent sales policy, and being almost unable to prevent myself from using words that would surely lead to mouth-washing with soap and a stern talking-to. I did come to realize, though, that while dark moods tend to swoop in unannounced and unwelcomed, my family seems to take it into stride and sometimes slap me in the face (metaphorically) with a dose of reality by reminding me that I've still got three weeks left in paradise, and if I don't enjoy it now, I'm stuck in Thailand for another five months with no hope. (Okay, so they don't put it that way, but I'm good at reading between the lines!)
It seems, though, as I was gone for a while, my family have been experiencing their own problems, each in the privacy of their own corners of the world, and that their problems are just as daunting as my own. Futures are always uncertain; hearts are always broken, taken advantage of, ripped off and pulled apart; and bitterness is covered with a face of indifference or simple disappearance. But the one thing I know that I can count on is my family. Because they know me. They know me inside and out, and they know that I need to stop thinking about work and need to sort out what I want to do in the future. They know that I'm a bitter, bitter person and that it's hard to get me out of those ruts, but they also know that I'm easily pleased with nature and that I love good vegetarian food and a good walk around the neighborhood. (They also know my Taiwan sweet tooth and my love for complex carbohydrates.) They don't know about my love life or my struggle with my Chinese-American identity. They don't know that I harbor intense hatred for only one person and that I intend to find him. And they don't know about my struggles with writing or my passion for it. But they know me. And out of all of the people I've had the fortune (and misfortune) of meeting, very few know how to handle me.
Without family, where on earth would I be?
The grass always seem greener on the other side of the fence. However, I think the grass is always greener on the side of the fence that my family's on. Even though there are a couple spots that's a bit yellow and had obviously been urinated on, it's still greener and cleaner and always feels like home.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Saturday, March 17, 2012
In a Rut.
Counting down to the day I leave for Taiwan to see my family is possibly the worst idea--it's like torturing yourself, like stabbing thick, poisonous Porcupine needles into your arm and asking yourself why it hurts and why won't the pain and bleeding go away?
I enjoy working. Not to the point of grey hair (which I'm sure I have by now), but working so that I keep my idle mind occupied, and not have to live in my head all of the time (which is what I did in middle school, and no wonder I went bat**** crazy). This past month, my amount of hours teaching were decreased, due to "summer vacation". It's not the classic "summer vacation" as we know in the Western Hemisphere, where the teachers and the students get off. Teachers are still required to sign-in every morning, and a lot of students are still taking classes. And the students who aren't taking classes hang around the school like cool kids anyway. It's like summer school, except all teachers have to sign-in in the morning. But I'm not teaching, so, again, my idle brain finds a way to occupy itself, mostly at my sanity's expense.
When my sanity is at the cusp between 'somewhat normal' and 'LOOK OUT!', everything in my life unravels itself out of its Zen package and throws rotten pie in my face, followed by a couple of steak knives. (Did I mention when my life unravels itself, it looks like Chuckie?) I broke my toilet. (Don't ask how. I don't know.) I broke my toilet cover in an attempt to fix said toilet. My self-esteem is affected by having lost the friends that I've connected with working at TPS the past semester because they've found better things in their horizon. (Good-bye, N, L, NA, PP, JA--I know you won't miss TPS at all.) I'm extremely introverted to begin with, and now I'm lonely. Devastatingly lonely, and doubts cloud my head, my judgment, and all of a sudden, things that are unrelated to anything at all permeates my unraveling sanity, and all of a sudden, I ask questions like "Why doesn't anyone like me?" or "I'm such a joke of a teacher--my students haven't learned anything this past semester" or "Why can't I be beautiful?" or "Oh my god, WHY DON'T BOYS EVER LIKE ME?!?!??!?!?!?!?!"
A complete nutjob. Write that down, Doctor. There's more where that came from, but I don't think you have enough time in the world to help me fix my issues. Is this session over yet?
So I've devised a way to combat my insecurities with a book that I bought in middle school to help me combat my depression and suicidal tendencies. It's called "A Thousand Paths to Comfort" by David Baird. Strangely enough, in middle school, I reveled in my depression, my grandfather's Swiss Army Knife, and loud, angry "Devil" music, so I never read it. Through middle school, high school, college, pre-moving-to-Thailand, I couldn't bear myself to throw it away because I knew I was going to need it someday. And thank Almighty, my first real use of this book...12 years later.
"There is character in resolve."
I've been making poor decisions lately, in who I spend time with, how I spend time with them, and what I'm like when I'm with them. I've always been one of the 'boys', but it depends on who my group of boys are. Unfortunately, my group of 'boys' back home are immensely different from the group of 'boys' here. And so I've resolved to return myself to who I was before I came to Thailand (the self that I quite liked a lot). It's difficult, but I'll take it step by step (cue Whitney Houston song).
"It is often the case that the people who argue the most are the people who know the least."
I've had this problem quite frequently after coming to Thailand. Meeting people who argue with you all the time. Because of this, I've stopped voicing my opinions, because I've realized that my opinions are usually always different and I'll get argued into the ground for no reason, or that they just don't matter anymore. When I voiced this change to my friends, I imagined them all having that meme face that's been floating around the interwebz recently ("Y U CHANGE SO MUCH?!"), but I've found that it's easier to stay out of that verbal mess than jumping smack dab into the middle of it.
"Dare and endure--only then will things ease and you will arrive at comfort."
My translation: you gotta suffer in your early 20s before you can establish yourself for your 30s, 40s, and if you're lucky, past your 50s. So I know I'm going to be continuously fighting my way out of my ruts (and I know there are more coming), but with the friends that have been reaching out to me from across the seas, with my handy little Comfort Book, and a lot of writing, I'll be okay.
For now, I'll work my way out of this current rut, and resolve myself to going back to the Rochelle that I liked a lot, who was confident in herself, who had shining goals on the horizon, who never gives up, and who gives boys a good run for their money, and end up with a lot more cash than she expected.
Now, how's that for sanity?
I enjoy working. Not to the point of grey hair (which I'm sure I have by now), but working so that I keep my idle mind occupied, and not have to live in my head all of the time (which is what I did in middle school, and no wonder I went bat**** crazy). This past month, my amount of hours teaching were decreased, due to "summer vacation". It's not the classic "summer vacation" as we know in the Western Hemisphere, where the teachers and the students get off. Teachers are still required to sign-in every morning, and a lot of students are still taking classes. And the students who aren't taking classes hang around the school like cool kids anyway. It's like summer school, except all teachers have to sign-in in the morning. But I'm not teaching, so, again, my idle brain finds a way to occupy itself, mostly at my sanity's expense.
When my sanity is at the cusp between 'somewhat normal' and 'LOOK OUT!', everything in my life unravels itself out of its Zen package and throws rotten pie in my face, followed by a couple of steak knives. (Did I mention when my life unravels itself, it looks like Chuckie?) I broke my toilet. (Don't ask how. I don't know.) I broke my toilet cover in an attempt to fix said toilet. My self-esteem is affected by having lost the friends that I've connected with working at TPS the past semester because they've found better things in their horizon. (Good-bye, N, L, NA, PP, JA--I know you won't miss TPS at all.) I'm extremely introverted to begin with, and now I'm lonely. Devastatingly lonely, and doubts cloud my head, my judgment, and all of a sudden, things that are unrelated to anything at all permeates my unraveling sanity, and all of a sudden, I ask questions like "Why doesn't anyone like me?" or "I'm such a joke of a teacher--my students haven't learned anything this past semester" or "Why can't I be beautiful?" or "Oh my god, WHY DON'T BOYS EVER LIKE ME?!?!??!?!?!?!?!"
A complete nutjob. Write that down, Doctor. There's more where that came from, but I don't think you have enough time in the world to help me fix my issues. Is this session over yet?
So I've devised a way to combat my insecurities with a book that I bought in middle school to help me combat my depression and suicidal tendencies. It's called "A Thousand Paths to Comfort" by David Baird. Strangely enough, in middle school, I reveled in my depression, my grandfather's Swiss Army Knife, and loud, angry "Devil" music, so I never read it. Through middle school, high school, college, pre-moving-to-Thailand, I couldn't bear myself to throw it away because I knew I was going to need it someday. And thank Almighty, my first real use of this book...12 years later.
"There is character in resolve."
I've been making poor decisions lately, in who I spend time with, how I spend time with them, and what I'm like when I'm with them. I've always been one of the 'boys', but it depends on who my group of boys are. Unfortunately, my group of 'boys' back home are immensely different from the group of 'boys' here. And so I've resolved to return myself to who I was before I came to Thailand (the self that I quite liked a lot). It's difficult, but I'll take it step by step (cue Whitney Houston song).
"It is often the case that the people who argue the most are the people who know the least."
I've had this problem quite frequently after coming to Thailand. Meeting people who argue with you all the time. Because of this, I've stopped voicing my opinions, because I've realized that my opinions are usually always different and I'll get argued into the ground for no reason, or that they just don't matter anymore. When I voiced this change to my friends, I imagined them all having that meme face that's been floating around the interwebz recently ("Y U CHANGE SO MUCH?!"), but I've found that it's easier to stay out of that verbal mess than jumping smack dab into the middle of it.
"Dare and endure--only then will things ease and you will arrive at comfort."
My translation: you gotta suffer in your early 20s before you can establish yourself for your 30s, 40s, and if you're lucky, past your 50s. So I know I'm going to be continuously fighting my way out of my ruts (and I know there are more coming), but with the friends that have been reaching out to me from across the seas, with my handy little Comfort Book, and a lot of writing, I'll be okay.
For now, I'll work my way out of this current rut, and resolve myself to going back to the Rochelle that I liked a lot, who was confident in herself, who had shining goals on the horizon, who never gives up, and who gives boys a good run for their money, and end up with a lot more cash than she expected.
Now, how's that for sanity?
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