In a Rut.

Counting down to the day I leave for Taiwan to see my family is possibly the worst idea--it's like torturing yourself, like stabbing thick, poisonous Porcupine needles into your arm and asking yourself why it hurts and why won't the pain and bleeding go away?

I enjoy working. Not to the point of grey hair (which I'm sure I have by now), but working so that I keep my idle mind occupied, and not have to live in my head all of the time (which is what I did in middle school, and no wonder I went bat**** crazy). This past month, my amount of hours teaching were decreased, due to "summer vacation". It's not the classic "summer vacation" as we know in the Western Hemisphere, where the teachers and the students get off. Teachers are still required to sign-in every morning, and a lot of students are still taking classes. And the students who aren't taking classes hang around the school like cool kids anyway. It's like summer school, except all teachers have to sign-in in the morning. But I'm not teaching, so, again, my idle brain finds a way to occupy itself, mostly at my sanity's expense.

When my sanity is at the cusp between 'somewhat normal' and 'LOOK OUT!', everything in my life unravels itself out of its Zen package and throws rotten pie in my face, followed by a couple of steak knives. (Did I mention when my life unravels itself, it looks like Chuckie?) I broke my toilet. (Don't ask how. I don't know.) I broke my toilet cover in an attempt to fix said toilet. My self-esteem is affected by having lost the friends that I've connected with working at TPS the past semester because they've found better things in their horizon. (Good-bye, N, L, NA, PP, JA--I know you won't miss TPS at all.) I'm extremely introverted to begin with, and now I'm lonely. Devastatingly lonely, and doubts cloud my head, my judgment, and all of a sudden, things that are unrelated to anything at all permeates my unraveling sanity, and all of a sudden, I ask questions like "Why doesn't anyone like me?" or "I'm such a joke of a teacher--my students haven't learned anything this past semester" or "Why can't I be beautiful?" or "Oh my god, WHY DON'T BOYS EVER LIKE ME?!?!??!?!?!?!?!"

A complete nutjob. Write that down, Doctor. There's more where that came from, but I don't think you have enough time in the world to help me fix my issues. Is this session over yet?

So I've devised a way to combat my insecurities with a book that I bought in middle school to help me combat my depression and suicidal tendencies. It's called "A Thousand Paths to Comfort" by David Baird. Strangely enough, in middle school, I reveled in my depression, my grandfather's Swiss Army Knife, and loud, angry "Devil" music, so I never read it. Through middle school, high school, college, pre-moving-to-Thailand, I couldn't bear myself to throw it away because I knew I was going to need it someday. And thank Almighty, my first real use of this book...12 years later.

"There is character in resolve."
I've been making poor decisions lately, in who I spend time with, how I spend time with them, and what I'm like when I'm with them. I've always been one of the 'boys', but it depends on who my group of boys are. Unfortunately, my group of 'boys' back home are immensely different from the group of 'boys' here. And so I've resolved to return myself to who I was before I came to Thailand (the self that I quite liked a lot). It's difficult, but I'll take it step by step (cue Whitney Houston song).

"It is often the case that the people who argue the most are the people who know the least."
I've had this problem quite frequently after coming to Thailand. Meeting people who argue with you all the time. Because of this, I've stopped voicing my opinions, because I've realized that my opinions are usually always different and I'll get argued into the ground for no reason, or that they just don't matter anymore. When I voiced this change to my friends, I imagined them all having that meme face that's been floating around the interwebz recently ("Y U CHANGE SO MUCH?!"), but I've found that it's easier to stay out of that verbal mess than jumping smack dab into the middle of it.

"Dare and endure--only then will things ease and you will arrive at comfort."
My translation: you gotta suffer in your early 20s before you can establish yourself for your 30s, 40s, and if you're lucky, past your 50s. So I know I'm going to be continuously fighting my way out of my ruts (and I know there are more coming), but with the friends that have been reaching out to me from across the seas, with my handy little Comfort Book, and a lot of writing, I'll be okay.

For now, I'll work my way out of this current rut, and resolve myself to going back to the Rochelle that I liked a lot, who was confident in herself, who had shining goals on the horizon, who never gives up, and who gives boys a good run for their money, and end up with a lot more cash than she expected.

Now, how's that for sanity?