The Pros and Cons of Overclocking.

Allow me to explain my absence with one very convenient word: overclocked.

I remember in high school when I wrote fanfiction to alleviate harsh reality, I had just become confident enough in my writing to post them online. I 'met' (as one could meet another through MSN messenger) someone who was interested in my writing. We did several fanfic collaborations, one of which was called "Overclocked" about one of the main characters from our mutually-adored anime who overworked herself until someone had to remind her that it was okay to take a break once in a while.

Looking back, I realize now that it was a typical, ideal romantic story that girls dream about, and boys occasionally fulfill, because I feel that regardless of what I do, what my friends do, we are constantly overclocked with work, ambitions, and dreams. There are those who attempt to get by doing the minimal amount of work to get them by. And then there are those who do everything they can to fulfill their duties, whatever those duties may be.

My grades in school never followed the 'Asian stereotype'. I wasn't an A student, and I struggled through the maths and sciences--which was really my fault because I had applied to math and science academies for both middle and high school (and got in. Don't ask me how.) I excelled in English, but even then, there were Asian classmates who did better, despite my strong grasp of grammar and unfailing love for Shakespeare. My father never pushed me to get straight As because he wasn't an A student either. He always encouraged me to do my best, and as long as I did my best, that was all he asked for. The first time I actually pushed myself to work hard was for Mr. B's English AP class. We were required to memorize and research one poem. The more creative, the better the grade. Well, that, or the shorter the skirt, the better the grade. Being my arrogant self with a rotten-eff-you-society attitude, I was determined to get a good grade without having to compromise my dignity and intelligence with questionable wardrobe choice.

I ended up with the poem with the least amount of research available for my own research. Mr. B had given me the "you poor soul" look when I told him that I had signed up for George Wither's "Shall I, Wasting in Despair". (Even after six years, I remember this poem!) I spent hours in the university library, researching the poem, to create my own interpretation of the poem. I spent many sleepless nights perfecting my presentation and my paper. I had props to go along with the poem. I made every single classmate a flower because Wither's mentioned a friggin' flower in the poem.

Judgment day: I received a 125 out of 120. It was the most invigorating moment of my life, when my hard work, creativity, and determination paid off, and I got what I wanted (and deserved) without having to wear a low top or short skirt during presentation day.

This story may be a bit long-winded, but it was this moment when I became obsessed with doing something to its fullest so that I can prove to myself that I'm not unworthy,that as long as I work hard, I can get somewhere in life. I don't have natural talent and I don't have any luck, but with my father's guidance, with my determination, I became this person I am today, even if it meant that I'm overclocking it. There are pros and cons to every situation, and here is a list of pros and cons to overclocking:

Cons:
- You lose sleep. Constantly.
- You're exhausted. And possibly ill.
- Once you begin to overclock, others will assume that you can handle more, and give you more, which prolongs your overclockage, which begins to wear you down.
- People who don't overclock will tell you to shut the *censored* up when you mention that you have a lot of work. They'll tell you that you deserve it for being a "pushover."
- You stop having 'me' time.


Pros:
- A profound sense of accomplishment.
- People will notice your hard work eventually. It just takes time. And once they do, you feel that much closer to them because they will do everything they can to make sure that you stay.
- When you get a chance to go to bed, you will always experience deep sleep.
- Weariness of the body does not necessarily weariness of the soul. Sometimes overclocking it can feel overbearing, but other times it can be invigorating for the soul and the heart.
- You end up having really good conversations with others who overclock. These will be your long-term companions.
- Working hard will almost always give you what you deserve.
- You will almost never be bored.
- You may be a "pushover", but you're doing something rather than doing nothing. You're helping some way or other, and making your impact on even one person's life.
- You realize who are the ones who love you, who appreciate you, who care about you.
- You learn never to give up when the tough gets going. This stays with you forever.

I overclock too much. I used to have someone to remind me to step back, take a walk, do a little writing, and give my brain a break, even if it's holding hands silently in the dark or having drivel conversation whilst lying in bed. But now I have to grow up, wake up, and realize that the only person who can take care of me now is me. Those who tell me I'm a pushover can continue their lives wandering from here to there without touching lives, but it won't affect the way I see life and the way I see myself. So now I'll be better at balancing my health, but that doesn't mean I'll stop being hardworking. It's in my blood. It's in my personality. I'm not going to deny myself who I am.

One last pro of overclocking: you really start to appreciate what you have and who you have in your life.

Thanks, GS, GA, S, and D, for putting up with my rants, my tears, my darkness and bitterness, and staying by my side during my loneliest and darkest of hours; for the fun times and the hard times and the drunken times; for the encouragement and the love and the support despite my leaving the Midwest for someplace that doesn't always make me happy. We'll all live on the same continent one day, and I'll make it up to all of you by making lots of dumplings.

Thanks, LB (aka: mom), for always knowing what to say to make me feel better, even when I feel like absolute donkeyturd; for giving the best hugs; for caring about me and saying things that make me feel like I'm your daughter; and for inspiring me to keep going, to be a better teacher, to be comfortable in my own skin and open up to my students, and have faith in myself.

Thanks, AS, for putting opportunities into my hands and making me take them; for always being a silent, understanding pillar of support; and for always making me feel welcome in your home when I am in need of time away from myself. And thank you for giving me all these opportunities to teach and spread my wings. Without you, I wouldn't have gotten to where I am today, and I wouldn't be able to be on the way of getting past my demolished expectations.

And lastly, but most certainly not the least:

Thanks, dad, for never pushing me to get As; for encouraging me to go out and explore the world as long as I'm not doing anything too stupid; for putting up with my teenage years when I was such a horrible and unfilial daughter; for putting me through university; for forcing me to go to the University of Iowa even if it meant that you'd be living in that big house all by yourself; for reminding me that you love me after you found out that I was cutting myself every night; for raising me all alone after mom passed away. I hope that I can grow up to be someone you can be proud of. I love you.