Countdowns.

Generally, countdowns mean that you're excited. You're tortured by the numbers, and every morning, you think "when will the double-digits become single-digits?" and "when will the single-digits disappear?" And at certain breaking points, you think "WHY THE HELL DOES TIME MOVE SO DAMN SLOW?"

Lately, I've taken to counting down. Every time something wrong happens at the school, I think "5 more weeks! YOU CAN DEAL WITH IT FOR FIVE MORE WEEKS!" But I've realized that it's only put me in a horrible mindset that allows me to not put forth the energy and effort that I usually would put into a project, that my students deserve. I know that the school isn't the place for me, but it doesn't mean that having an expiration date means I should stop dedicating myself to my students. I love them, and they have no idea just how much.

I see my M4 students once a week. I've got 5 weeks left. I only teach them 5 more times. With the way the school is taking me away from my actual job by making me do other things, I'll teach them even less than that. How quickly time flies after you realize the number of times you'll see your students are dwindling.

I've started packing. I've always hated packing, but this time I really hate it because I've become so at home here. (It's almost as depressing as the day I finished packing up my apartment back in Iowa.) I have friends who support me here, and back home, and I have students who wave and say hello to me whenever we pass each other on the streets. I have students who try so hard to talk to me in English when it's just so simple to say "hello" and walk away.

Through all of the hard times at the school, dealing with my personal demons, the only reason I could pull through without an inkling of self-destructing thought is because I have these amazing students and friends. Cutting out anything that brings thoughts of self-destruction eliminates darkness, and having bright, beautiful people in my life, makes me so grateful. There are so many people I want to thank that I feel like I haven't the ability to do these expressions of gratitude any justice.

Countdowns are depressing.