Purpose.

Life isn't a well-drawn-out plan. It's actually more like a story that a 6th grader would write in attempt to lose herself in what she believes are complications and drama that spices up a romance and demonstrates that true love always conquer all. There are always unexpected plot twists, unanticipated changes in the script, convenient cop-outs because of the annoying writer's block. And when you look back at what happened, you wonder where you went wrong, and why didn't you see it earlier, and you knew better, what the heck were you thinking?

Thailand became one of those places, where the Unexpected rolls around in the hay with Expectation, and you're left with a mess in your bedroom, your head, your heart, and the story ends in a bitter, unfinished, unsatisfying farewell.

But it's when you're in these situations where you learn the most about yourself, or at least learn that crying helps alleviate some of the frustration, the confusion, the loneliness, and that it's okay to cry. It is NOT okay to wish that you had a bottle of tequila to drink alone in your room watching zombie movies in an attempt to bury yourself in a fantasy world to escape reality. It is NOT okay to think that things would be so much easier if you could just off yourself because you have a mental problem that allows you to think that your existence is all for naught, so you're just better off dead. But it's okay to cry, to call someone close to cry and mutter unintelligible nonsense to, to cry when you are finally in the arms of the one or two or three people you know protects and loves and cares about you.

My first week back in Thailand was this roller coaster, but I think that it's given me back my sense of self-respect. I never thought that being a teacher was denying myself a rich future. I love the moment my students' eyes light up when they understand what I've been teaching them; I love the moment I walk into a new classroom with new students and they stare at me in wonder, wondering what I'm teaching and what they'll learn; I love the moment the first day of class ends, and my new students say good-bye, grins decorating their faces as they bounce out of the classroom; and I love the moment my students realize that they can practice English with me any time they'd like because they trust me. Money can't buy me these experiences, these connections I've made with these kids who have no idea how many times they've saved me from feeling worthless and stupid and ugly and lonely.

My students have made me realize just how much I love teaching. They're teenagers, which means they have mood swings; they have elevated levels of hormones dancing around the classroom; they have a short attention span in their studies; they have broken hearts and exciting, new loves; they have books they're dying to finish (so they try to finish it in class); they have fights with friends; they have family problems, boy problems, girl problems; but they are enthusiastic (though not necessarily in class), and they love to play games just as long as it doesn't result in homework. So many times have I thought that I couldn't handle it anymore, that I was alone, that I can't trust myself to do anything right, and all those times, teaching them has uplifted me, has made me smile when I thought I couldn't possibly smile again.

We are still in the pre-semester courses right now. I've met my M1/2 students, and they are the cutest, most enthusiastic 7th graders on the face of the planet. I've seen half of my M2/2 students at their extra language school where they are writing their own songs and will be recording them next week (these songs will also be on VEVO and their local radio station!) And next week, I will see my M4/1, M4/2, and M4/3 students for their pre-semester English course.

We've got a 3-day English camp for the district's teachers from May 9-11. Our two new OEG teachers will be arriving in Tak May 11th. An all-farang meeting is May 14th. School starts May 16th. English Day is every Thursday, and is my responsibility to plan them all. M4 will have an English Camp May 19-20. And I will start teaching government officials again sometime within mid-May. So I've just got to get my emotions together, kill off anything that makes me sad, and continue the last 4 months in Thailand in gusto.

Meanwhile, I will continue to finish downloading my zombie movies, and maybe play a little Resident Evil 4 to kill off my inner-demons the rest of the summer vacation.

My purpose in life is to complete my duties and responsibilities of whatever role I'm in. Emotions should not play any part in that, so I refuse to be anything but strong.